Another Book...I've lost count....

A Symphony in the Dark:  Hearing God's Vice in Seasons of Grief by Barbara Rainey and Rebecca Rainey Mutz

Warning:  what follows is probably going to be not only personal, but also sad.  I haven't written it yet, so I don't know what I'm going to say, but the book is about child loss and, in warning, I want you to know that I've experienced child loss myself, so this book has been deeply moving for me....If you don't want to read something too personal (especially if you are a student), I highly recommend that you don't read read any further.......if you do choose to continue reading, I ask only for your prayers....This is usually something I only write about in my journal rather than for a public blog, but I'm trying to keep a running track of all the books I read this year in my blog.  If it weren't for that, I wouldn't post this here at all.......








Rebecca and Jacob's story about losing their sweet, precious Molly Ann has so many similarities to when my husband and I lost our precious James Isaac 12 years ago this March 17.  Of course, no two stories of child loss are exactly the same, but at the same time, everyone who suffers through the loss of a child KNOWS.....it's definitely a KNOWING I wish with every fiber of my being that I didn't....If I could, I would take it all back and have things be VERY different, oh yes, I would.  Rebecca journals that that was a question she pondered:  would she change anything?  Any mother would say yes....just to be able to hold our precious ones in our arms again???? You bet we would.  Does it help knowing our children are safe and truly happy in the arms and presence of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?  Of course it does.  I imagine Him holding them for me until I get to Heaven and can do it myself, just as He is also holding me in His arms...He holds all of us together....in that way, I feel them with me all the time.  Is it the same as having their warm, wriggling bodies full of life here on this earth so I can cuddle them and kiss them all over?  A resounding NO doesn't even come close to answering that--there isn't a word bad enough that I'm willing to use here--question.....

Twelve years.  There won't be a birthday party at church this coming Wednesday in celebration of James Isaac turning 12.  We won't be going "home" to visit my family in eastern NC so we can have a proper family birthday party for my 12-year old son.  A lonely visit to his "doorway" (I like that--that's the term Rebecca uses for her Molly's gravesite and I'm going to begin using it) this Thursday after my office hours are over.  I'll put some new, fresh baby blue flowers on his grave.  Maybe this year I'll get some baby blue ballons and release them when I go visit his Doorway.  I'll go alone.  I hate making Samuel go unless he asks to go.  It's difficult to ask him if he wants to go visit the grave of the big brother he'll only meet in Heaven rather than having him here on this earth to play with--to build things with out of Legos....to fight with.....to share bunk beds with and laugh and giggle, getting in each other's beds, until Daddy or Mommy comes in threatening bodily harm if they don't settle down and go to sleep....

Samuel hates sleeping in his own room....alone.  I would, too, if I knew it was supposed to be shared with a sibling who is in a lonely grave rather than in the top bunk....since I'm afraid of the top bunk after having fallen out of a top bunk bed......I know I coddle my only living son more than I should, but every day I think about the one and only time I kissed my James Isaac.  (In the book, Rebecca talks about how she and her husband held their Molly and kissed her from head to toe and that they had a professional photographer come in and take pictures of them doing that.)  I only kissed my son ONE TIME....and even then, before I kissed him on the one spot on his cheek where I could, I turned to whoever was in the room with us (I don't remember who was in the room other than my husband and our baby, but I know someone else was in there with us) and asked if they thought it would be OK for me to kiss my son....

To this day, I don't know why I felt I had to ask or why I felt that I wasn't allowed to kiss my son...just because he was already gone.....Oh, dear sweet Lord....if I could go back to those short hours we spent with him....I would kiss every inch of his precious little body.  I know HE wasn't in that body any more, but oh, to have the feel of him on my lips.....

I can't hug and kiss on Samuel enough.....Lord, please don't let the coddling I do over Samuel be damaging to him in any way.....

I looked Rebecca Rainey Mutz up online and learned that within a year of losing her sweet Molly, she lost her 2nd child, a son, Micah.  While Molly lived 7 days, Micah died in the womb, as did my James Isaac.  I haven't read far enough to find out why Micah died....James Isaac's cord was wrapped around his neck.  I had a miscarriage 8 months after James Isaac's death and birth (both in 1999), then Samuel was born in 2001, and I had another miscarriage in November of 2005.  I don't know why God seems to think that people like Rebecca Rainey Mutz or myself can handle one loss, let alone more than one, but, like Rebecca, I plan to continue to put my faith and trust in my Lord Jesus Christ and to find comfort in Him......Truly, even in my sorrow, "The JOY of the Lord is my STRENGTH!"  Nehemiah 8:10.

I'm done.  If you read this, I will NOT apologize for grieving for my son--regardless of how many years go by.  Please don't reply and say something just to say something.....believe it or not, my heart still aches with a pain that will NEVER go away.....